22

“Looking for [new] clients is the last thing [literary] agents do… So, how the hell do you get an agent if none of us are remotely interested in taking the time to find you in the first place?  I don’t know.  Really, I don’t.” – Literary Agent, Rima Greer, from her book, The Real, Low Down, Dirty Truth About Hollywood Agenting

Ms. Greer goes on to say she’s never signed a client from a query letter.  Great news for someone trying to break in as a screenwriter, huh?  Luckily, Ms. Greer does know a few agents who have signed querying writers.  In the words of the immortal Lloyd Christmas, “So you’re saying there’s a chance…”

In an industry built on Catch-22s, this one frustrates me as much as any: You can’t sell a screenplay without an agent, and you can’t get an agent until you sell a screenplay.  Of course, the ‘can’ts’ are used for effect and are too absolute for unreserved validity.  But I would guess this Catch-22 is at least 99% true.

I’ve read from more than one source, “if it was an easy business, everyone would be doing it.”  There’s a good reason Hollywood doesn’t invite every Dom, Rick, and Larry to write her movies – most people aren’t any good at it.  I’ve read a lot of bad scripts.  A lot.  (Quick note… yes, ‘a lot’ is a phrase, not a word.  There is no ‘alot’ in the dictionary.  Before writing a screenplay, please study the English language.  Just a little.  But I digress.)

My first drafts are bad.  My second drafts are bad.  Finally, by the third, fourth, and fifth drafts, my screenplays are starting to take shape.  It’s a long, tedious process to give birth to a quality screenplay.  I’m still tweaking stories I started five or more years ago.  Why so many wannabe screenwriters are delusional enough to think they are above the laws of writing is a perplexity I’ll never solve.

Of course, a bad story is a bad story no matter how many times you rewrite it.  Appropriately, Rima Greer’s first suggestion to aspiring screenwriters is to be good.  She doesn’t say as much, but I would aver that goodness starts at conception (on so many levels, right?).  The development of the idea, the molding of the characters, the execution of functional, succinct dialogue – all facets must come together to form a recognizable pattern while being completely original.  Huh?  Yeah, that’s another Catch-22: Hollywood is looking for proven entities that are completely original.  And I’m looking for lettuce that tastes like ice cream.

More soon from Ms. Greer’s wonderful book.