What others say about me

"What you say about yourself matters very little, but what others say of you means the world."
-- Hugh Halter, from his book, Flesh

I don't sleep well. On a good night, I'm asleep within an hour of going to bed. If I wake in the middle of the night, I'm usually a couple dozen tosses and turns from my next dream. During the day, I can close my eyes, but rarely do I get past the "whoa, did I just doze off?" stage of slumber.

Why? Is it too much caffeine? Too much sugar? Too much excitement in my life?

Um. No.

It's because I can't shut my stubborn brain off. My thought control skills are on pace with Johnny Manziel's common sense skills. Below remedial.

If I'm not navigating creative waters, I'm treading the depths of self-doubt, God-doubt, and why-did-I-eat-so-much-ice-cream-doubt.

One prevailing narrative is the questioning of my value. Regardless of what Clarence taught George Bailey, I still find myself sinking into questions about my purpose.

On a micro level I know my kids need me. I believe my wife needs me. Still, it's hard not to consider the life my wife could have had with a more successful husband. A more stable husband. Someone who accepted his role in the blue collar world or maybe white collar world. There's nobility in working hard to bring home a paycheck.

But that's the thing. Man am I working hard. So hard that I'm getting burned out.

"I'm so busy" is a phrase that's thrown out almost as much as "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

More? Yeah, probably more.

I don't expect everyone reading this to believe me when I say I'm working my tail off. After all, what do I have to show for it? I should share my tax returns here to really humiliate myself. By my calculations I've made about $0.27 an hour over the last 10 years. I made that number up. I'm too busy to calculate it for realz.

We're a results oriented society and the results just haven't been there for me. My family has suffered because of this. My ego has suffered because of this (which is technically a good thing, I know). And there are times I lie awake wondering if the worst is still ahead.

But the question prevails.

Why?

Why have I been allowed to work so hard for so long and not see the results I'd expected -- dare I say -- deserved?

I don't know. This silly little blog that I started before blogging was "in" (I think blogging is actually "out" now thanks to SnapChatteragram or whatevs) was supposed to be an inspirational account of one man's journey of overcoming the odds to prove that dreams really can come true.

If you didn't read that last line in your best movie trailer voice, here's another chance...

One man's journey of overcoming the odds to prove that dreams really can come true.

The late, great, Don LaFontaine,
king of movie trailer voiceovers (born in Minnesota!)

I've developed a counter theory to all of this now. I don't know if it's any truer than the former, but it's something I'm gnawing over. In the middle of the night.

What if my story is the anti-dream-following story? Despite Joel Osteen's claims, not everybody gets everything they want if they just believe it to be true. Maybe God needs me as an example that safety is sometimes the best route. Maybe my story is supposed to inspire in a way that contradicts my original intention.

If that's my reality, all I want is for people to say is that in spite of adversity, I am a hard worker. A good father. A worthy husband. A faithful servant.

Of course, that's all I want people to say about me regardless.

But the hard worker part is particularly sensitive to me these days. Really, I'm starting to question if the work I'm doing is useful. All the hours of research, networking, and creating -- are (were) they all worth it?

If I give up my Hollywood dream, I don't care if people assume it was because I wasn't talented enough. What I do care about is if people think it's because I didn't work hard enough for it. They'd be wrong on both accounts, but there's a sense of pride in hard work done well. I feel I've done that. And that's the example I want to give to my kids, my family, my friends, and anyone with whom I interact.

I don't know why God has me on the path He has me on, but I so desperately want to be an inspiration to everyone around me. Yes, I have an everybody-must-like-me complex, but my people-pleasing curse isn't driving my concern of what others say. It's simply that I want to be a positive influence. Not for my sake, but for the sake of the greater good.

But what does it matter what I say? What matters is what others say about me. Am I giving others reason to call me a hard worker? A good father? A worthy husband? A faithful servant? Regardless of whether I make it in Hollywood or not, at this point, all I care about is representing my faith in a pleasing manner to God.

And, really... is Hugh Halter's quote accurate? Does it matter what others say about me? Well, on a macro level, no. What matters is whether I am pleasing God. Where Halter's quote comes into play is that if we are pleasing God, by default, others will say good things about us.

The reason I'm here

I've lived in Los Angeles for about 9 months now.

Popular recommendations for [already working] actors moving to Los Angeles for a [more significant] career in acting is to allow at least two years before giving up. It takes time to build relationships and find your way out here.

So who am I to have thought I could accomplish in a year what the "experts" say takes at least two?

Well, let's push aside the notion that there are actually experts who know definitively how long it takes to make it in Hollywood. We can study statistics and trends and add a little gut-instinct to form a theoretical equation, but every path is different.

Every. Path. Is. Different.

I was hedging my bets that my path would defy the experts. And it still may. After all, I had so many things going for me back in August when I made the move. I had a theatrical agent ready to sign me as soon as I got to town. And a reputable agent at that. How? I had a Los Angeles Casting Director who believed in me and set up a meeting with the agency. That doesn't happen often to small-market actors moving to LA. Unless you're ridiculously gorgeous. Which I'm not. Or remarkably unique. Which I'm not. Or related to Francis Ford Coppola. Again, which I'm not.

I'd made friends with successful actors out here, recognizable faces from film and television. Certainly they could help me kickstart things. They still may.

Even if the acting thing didn't pan out right away, I had screenwriting to fall back on. Heck, I have two scripts right now that have turned some heads. I mean, one of them has to hit, right? They may or may not.

I've produced two feature films. That must mean something, right?

I've appeared in dozens of commercials and hundreds of projects overall. I'm not completely green. I know what I'm doing in front of the camera and behind it.

But most importantly, I was convinced God brought me out here. He wouldn't bring me out here to fail, would He? If the 2-year-rule applied to me, God would have given us more money so we could afford to be out here more than a year, right?

Besides, how many people come out here without God and still find success? I'm pursuing this career for the right reasons. It's not fame or fortune I desire. It's happiness in doing what I love and sharing God's love with an industry that needs it.

God needs people like me in this industry.

Right?

Okay, here comes the revelation I have just recently experienced. No, let me rephrase that... here comes the revelation I finally realized.

God brought me out here not to fulfill my desires but to fulfill His desires for me.

Look, I still want to succeed in Hollywood more than most folks could fully understand, but I'm rearranging my thinking, even as I type this.

Let me paint the dots I'm now connecting in reverse.

Before moving to Los Angeles, I scouted many potential landing spots. I settled on Santa Clarita because the schools are outstanding and it's more affordable to live here than Burbank. I was specific within Santa Clarita of where we wanted to be according to school boundaries. A house was available in one of our chosen areas and I connected with the rental company. A woman named Kim was my contact there. We clicked right away, but when I admitted we were moving from Minnesota and were going to live off our savings and didn't have jobs lined up, she said they couldn't help us.

And yet, somehow we ended up in this lovely house on a quiet street without even seeing it in person before signing the rental agreement.

Did I mention our realtor in Minnesota, a friend of more than a decade, didn't want to put our house on the market because he didn't see any chance of it selling in time? It sold in time.

Now, another thing I'd done from Minnesota before moving out here was connect to a couple pastors of a Lutheran Church in Santa Clarita. Getting involved with a church right away was important to us and we were all set to visit that church on the second Sunday we were here.

The only problem was getting out the door in time. Kids have a way of delaying departure times. With the church being 15 minutes away and us being 10 minutes late, we decided to visit a nearer church.

Did I mention that Kim from the rental company is a Christian and had texted a few church options in our area? Yeah.

Five minutes from our house is a Baptist Church. Grace Baptist, to be exact. My wife and I grew up Lutheran. We sit in the back. We don't raise our hands during praise and worship. We don't shout "Amen" while the preacher preaches.

We also didn't know the difference between "Southern Baptist" and "Baptist."

But Grace was close enough for us to make it in time. We'd give the Lutheran church a chance next Sunday.

We've never looked back since visiting Grace that morning.

I've been a church goer my whole life. There's never been a time that I haven't attended a church, at least semi-regularly. There's also never been a time when I could say whole-heartedly that I love my church. Until Grace.

I love my church.

It's funny... My wife and I had a conversation a couple months ago talking about our future and whether we'll be staying in SoCal past the summer or back in Minnesota. We both admitted that if nothing else, at least being here and getting involved at Grace has strengthened our faith. So even if I fail in the movie industry, at least a bi-product of our journey to Santa Clarita will be a strengthened faith.

And that is where the revelation happened. That misguided statement of a strengthened faith being the bi-product of our journey west.

I now know that a strengthened faith is not the bi-product of our journey out here. It's the absolute reason God brought us here! I don't doubt that even a tiny bit.

God brought us here for Grace Baptist.

If I succeed in the movie industry, that will be a bi-product of us coming out here to strengthen our faith. I had it backwards before.

If you're not a man or woman of faith, I expect you to be skeptical of my claims here. Heck, I've been a man of faith my whole life and I would have been skeptical of this claim even a few weeks ago. But I'm telling you, I have not felt this close to God since before losing my sister in a tragic car crash nearly 13 years ago.

The practical side of all of us will scoff at the price my family paid to come out here. If we have to move back to Minnesota, we will be doing so with almost no money to our names. Gone is our savings, our equity, our stability.

But you know what? God is bigger than money and material things. He's never been unfaithful to us before and that's not going to change. I'd rather live poor and unsure of my next paycheck with a good relationship with God than live rich and apart from Him.

After all, Jesus tells us in Luke 16:13 that we cannot serve both God and money. I hate that I've spent so much of my life serving money instead of God. What did it get me? Less of both!

I still don't know where my family and I will be in August, but isn't it exciting that God is already there waiting to reveal Himself in a way I cannot even imagine today?

The dots I've connected in the last several years are amazing, and maybe I'll share more about them in a future blog entry. But for now, I'm just excited to connect tomorrow's dots the day after tomorrow.

I love you, Lord. Thank you for bringing me back to You.

Rich Sommer encourages me not to go mad

"I was eating pork chops and drinking a beer while I taped it, because, well, I figured it was never going to be seen anyway." -- Rich Sommer, describing his self-taped audition that led to his breaking-in role in The Devil Wears Prada

You know what they say... a Rich Sommer is better than a Poor Winter.

Why do I do stuff like that?

Anyway, I got in touch with Rich Sommer, probably known best as Harry Crane on AMC's runaway hit, Mad Men. Rich grew up in Minnesota and has made it in Hollywood. Geographically, our paths are similar. Buuuuuttt... he's a little farther along the path than I am. Matter of fact, I can't even see him with my max-magnification binoculars from Pervs R Us.

But I'm inspired. And humbled he took the time to humor my inquisitive mind.

Rich Sommer - photo by Ben Kusler

Born in Ohio, raised in Minnesota, Rich got his undergrad degree from Concordia in Moorhead. He went to Cleveland for grad school and then moved to New York City in 2004 to continue the acting career he'd already started. A commercial in Cleveland got him his union eligibility and a commercial in NYC not long after got him into the Screen Actors Guild (SAG).

"I think you have to join [SAG] as soon as you can," he advises. "It's tough to be taken seriously without that."

Rich was a part of the union very early in his career. For me, I was happy to remain non-union in Minnesota because there was such a dearth of SAG jobs in that market. Now that I'm in Los Angeles, I'm anxious to join SAG and my eligibility paperwork is pending right now. It's a good step for me. As Rich Sommer says, "The actual work requires being in the union. I wanted to do actual work."

Me, too, Rich. Me, too.

Of course, getting into SAG doesn't guarantee actual work. With far fewer jobs than actors, it takes patience, diligence, luck, and talent to elevate oneself into the coveted status of full-time actor.

It also takes thick skin.

I reached out to Rich after hearing him as a guest on Pilar Alessandra's On the Page podcast. I know I've raved about Pilar and her podcast before, so I won't do it again here. More than once. Pilar's On the Page podcast is great and if you're not listening to it, you're mad, man.

See what I did there?

I got sidetracked.

That's what I did there.

Back to Rich and the thick skin segue I hijacked from myself.

On Pilar's podcast, Rich shared the story of his adventures through pilot season 2006, when at one point his manager was called by the CBS comedy division. The suits asked Rich's manager to stop sending him on any more comedy auditions because he wasn't funny. The only callback Rich received that entire pilot season was for Mad Men.

The rest, as they say, is language arts. I mean, history.

With my slow start out here in Hollywood -- and granted, three months is hardly enough time for anyone to really get themselves established in a new market -- I'm encouraged by Rich's 2006 pilot season. Not because I take pleasure in knowing a very talented actor wasn't getting called back, but because it proves that it's just a numbers game. The key is to stay in the game until the numbers work in your favor.

Naturally, I wanted to know if Rich had considered throwing in the towel after the less-than-encouraging phone call from CBS. "It wasn't a super fun phone call to get," he says obviously. "Of course there were times I considered bagging it all, but most of those preceded that pilot season."

It makes sense he would stay in the game. After all, he'd landed the role in the Meryl Streep comedy, The Devil Wears Prada, a summer earlier. He had a good manager, who he says he'll be loyal to forever. He'd booked commercials and was getting called in for auditions.

He even claims the CBS people were right. That he wasn't funny.

I doubt it.

But it's that kind of humility that makes me root for Rich Sommer. And it's his thick skin that allowed him to press on after a rough message from the CBS comedy division that encourages me to stick in this game.

He adds, "Besides getting a career-changing gig (Prada), I didn't know what else to do. I did three years of grad school for acting, and I wasn't ready to chuck it all yet. There are people who have been grinding it out for decades. Two years and a bad phone call from CBS isn't a reason to bag it. For me."

Full disclosure -- I asked him if he considered quitting the game after the CBS phone call without knowing the correct timeline of when he booked Prada. To have a significant role in a major studio picture starring one of the greatest actors in the history of cinema is reason enough to stay in the game no matter what the next year brings. Duh.

Still, we actors are a sensitive lot. I know I have a tough time believing my past successes are any better indications of my true talent than my current failures. But that's just me.

Rich has encouraged me and I hope anybody who stumbles across this little blog entry finds encouragement as well. Perhaps the tastiest nugget I devoured is Rich's story about his self-taped audition for The Devil Wears Prada. To go along with his quote that prefaced this writing, he says, "I took the result of [the audition for The Devil Wears Prada] as a lesson. Putting myself on tape is a pretty laid-back affair, and I definitely owe it to that little happening."

In the end, all of what we do as actors should be approached with a laid-back attitude. Not lazy. Not half-assed. Just relaxed.

If we can't find a way to relax in this game, we're all going to go mad, man.

I did it again.

Q & A with Casting Director Scott David

"Here I am! Look at me! See what I can do!" -- Every Undiscovered Actor

Half a lifetime ago, I believed my acting talent would open doors for me. I had grown up in an environment where I had plenty of people applauding my juvenile impressions of Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, and Jim Carrey. Looking back, it's hard to believe every bit of praise was sincere, but there were a few people that I know weren't blowing smoke up my formerly toned behind.

In the last 20 years I received further validation of my talent by being cast in a variety of roles in feature films, commercials, industrials, and a handful of live theater gigs. I can call myself a professional actor. And a good one at that.

I continue to train and study and practice my craft at every opportunity. I want to get better. And better. And better.

But with the big 4-0 looming, I can't simply hone my craft and wait for the bigger doors to open. I have to get in front of the people behind those doors who can get me the gigs that pay more than a tank of gas.

I recently got in touch with kind-hearted Scott David, Casting Director of the CBS hit crime procedural, Criminal Minds, and the spinoff, Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. He graciously answered some questions I had as a recent small-market transplant to Los Angeles. More than anything, he confirmed what I already suspected, which isn't bad or good. It just -- is.

Scott emphasizes the importance of acting classes before one arrives in LA and also to take classes once relocated to LA. "Acting classes and studying your craft are of utmost importance," he says. I agree, and I've taken many classes over the years, most of which have contributed to my craft -- some better than others. I'm surprised by some of the excuses actors contrive to avoid taking classes. Even the most successful stars take classes.

Scott also highlights the importance of learning audition technique and how to do self-taped auditions. There are audition classes, but in small markets, the audition techniques are usually focused on commercial auditions which differ considerably from film and television auditions. A good starting point for learning how to audition is to read Casting Qs by Bonnie Gillespie and The Actor's Encyclopedia of Casting Directors by Karen Kondazian. If nothing else, the books give insight into what casting directors are looking for in auditions. (Hint: they're looking for you to be you!)

Casting Director, Scott David

Self-taping has trended upward in the last few years. Anybody with an iPhone can self-tape an audition, but understanding framing, audio, basic editing, simple color correction, upload specs and video compression practices can go a long way in making a self-taped audition stand out. There are companies in LA that will assist in self-taping auditions, but they seem to charge anywhere from a couple hundred bucks to a kidney. I'm fortunate enough to be an editor and decent camera operator so I can put together good audition tapes with little effort, but once you learn how to do it, you'll see it's remarkably simple. Heck, if I can do it...

Now for the tricky part of this blog entry. I asked Scott David, "Once in LA, what are the first steps one should take to get noticed by casting directors?"

He answered, "The BEST way to get noticed and to start making relationships and networking is to invest in Casting Director Workshops on a regular, consistent basis at The Actor's Link."

Why is this tricky? Because Scott David owns The Actor's Link.

My cynical side can't help but wonder about the nobility of such a suggestion. Pay my company $30 to $50 and you'll get to perform a short scene in front of a casting director who may or may not call you in for a real audition based on the impression you make.

My pessimist side wonders, "How else can I get in front of these casting directors?"

And my practical side pries, "I'm out here to make connections and build relationships with the people that can get me work. Suck it up and pay the money."

And here's the thing. I really don't think Scott is a swindler. He's been as accessible as anybody out here and I've heard first-person accounts from actors who got called in to audition shortly after meeting a casting director at a workshop. While certainly not a guarantee of booking gigs, Casting Director Workshops are a legitimate way to get in front of the people who can get actors work.

Aside from workshops, the only control one has over getting oneself on the radars of casting directors is to directly communicate with them. Sure, it would be nice to know our agents are pitching us and fighting for us to get called in to audition, but the reality is that nobody is going to be more passionate about finding acting gigs than we are.

With resources like IMDb Pro and Backstage, it's generally easy to find contact information for nearly every casting director from New York to Atlanta to Austin to Los Angeles. I've personally sent out almost 50 postcards and nearly that many e-mails to the casting directors and associates who cast the shows for which I feel best suited. Considering most of these people receive hundreds, if not thousands, of unsolicited messages every week, the chances I'm being noticed are pretty slim. Still, if I want to win the lottery, I have to buy tickets.

I asked Scott his thoughts on the line between tactful self-promotion and becoming a nuisance. "That is a fine line," he said. "It's like dating. Rejection is the hardest aspect of life, and most of the time actors are rejected."

Ouch. Most of the time actors are rejected. I mean, I know that. But it's still tough to swallow.

"Don't push too hard," he continues, "and try to make relationships with professionals IF they are open and accessible to doing so."

That last sentiment is perhaps the most difficult for us creatives to accept. In our minds, we know we have so much to offer and that anybody who isn't open to getting to know us and our work is truly missing out. Right?

Well, if our work is that good and we are truly worth knowing, eventually the wall will crumble and we will have access to those that are currently inaccessible. The trick is to find those who are accessible and (patiently) prove your value to them first. Then, who knows who will eventually give you access to their inner circle?

In Minneapolis I accumulated a lot of credits, from features to commercials to industrials. I asked Scott if my long resume of mostly unrecognizable credits means anything out here or if I would be better off having one credit from a recognizable show like Criminal Minds or The Big Bang Theory. "Being able to show that one has TALENT and is a good actor is much more important when the actor does not have many legit credits, if any at all," he explained. "TRAINING... is very important, and marketing oneself is KEY."

Bottom line is this: Keep training. Keep working. Keep finding new connections. Do as many casting workshops as the budget will allow. Eventually, all the hard work will pay off. For me, it's been fifteen years of hard work. I gotta believe I'm due. You are too.

***

If you've stumbled across this blog and any of the above information is new to you, I encourage you to check out The Actor's Link. If you're in Los Angeles, you can start workshopping immediately. Of course, it's best to make sure you're good before spending the money, but that's obvious, right?

*** More About Scott David ***

A member in good standing of the Casting Society of America (CSA), Scott David has been casting everything from small Equity Theater to Studio Feature Films since 1996. He is currently Casting Director of the long running CBS hit TV series, Criminal Minds, and also the new spinoff series, Criminal Minds Beyond Borders. Scott also consistently works on indie films throughout the year.

Scott enjoys meeting all sorts of actors from all sorts of places. He has an appreciation for actors and is totally passionate with his efforts in helping out newer actors. He admires their hard work and diligence in pursuing their dreams.

Check out Scott David's iOS app on iTunes: Scott David Casting

Spin

"How different would people act if they couldn't show off on social media?" - Donna Lynn Hope

I've only been living in Los Angeles for six weeks now, and I've already worked on Grey's Anatomy, Secrets and Lies, How to Get Away with Murder, and an exciting new show debuting in October called Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I've done scenes with Terry O'Quinn, Juliette Lewis, and Sarah Drew, among others. I was accepted into the UCB Improv School and signed across the board with a very well respected talent agency, Media Artists Group.

#actorslife
#blessed
#misleadingspin

Here's the truer version of the above paragraph...

I've been living in the Los Angeles area for six weeks now, and I've only been able to secure background work. Anybody with a driver's license and social security card can do what I've done. My blurred image will be seen behind the mentioned actors, but I certainly didn't "do scenes" with them. Aside from some inconsequential small-talk, I didn't even interact with any of them. UCB doesn't hold auditions to get into their classes. They hold fees. I paid the fee.

The agent part is true, and while I'm excited to have representation already, I owe it completely to a connection I had.

#actorslife
#truth
#ihatehashtags

I've always been one to highlight the thorns over the roses. So be it. I have nothing against positivity -- I'm really trying to improve mine -- but spinning things in order to get shallow Facebook comments of "You're a superstar!" or "So proud of you!" or "PTL" is just not my bag, baby. Truth be told, I've unfollowed plenty of peers who lack any sense of self-awareness and realistic assessments of what they've accomplished.

So let me just get this off my chest: I've accomplished nothing. I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I don't deserve praise or accolades for anything on my resume or IMDb page or, God help us all, YouTube.

When and if I ever do feel like I've accomplished something in Hollywood, I'll be sure to brag about it all over Facebook. But I'll be sure to be secretive about several details so I can get the much-desired comments of "Tell us more!" or "Can't wait to hear all about it!" or "You're a superstar [even though I don't have any clue what you're talking about]!".

Some people. Right?

Look, I'll admit that I've actually enjoyed my background work. As I've always said to my real Industry friends, the worst days on set are still alright. I've actually been treated pretty well for the most part, aside from one PA who was a distant relative of Satan. How she gets work is beyond me.

The food is always good. I meet good people. I see the pros doing their things. I make almost enough money to buy a tank of gas.

I wouldn't have these opportunities in Minnesota, so I'm thankful to be out here. Not exactly living the dream, but I feel closer now than I did before we moved.

But still...