What others say about me

"What you say about yourself matters very little, but what others say of you means the world."
-- Hugh Halter, from his book, Flesh

I don't sleep well. On a good night, I'm asleep within an hour of going to bed. If I wake in the middle of the night, I'm usually a couple dozen tosses and turns from my next dream. During the day, I can close my eyes, but rarely do I get past the "whoa, did I just doze off?" stage of slumber.

Why? Is it too much caffeine? Too much sugar? Too much excitement in my life?

Um. No.

It's because I can't shut my stubborn brain off. My thought control skills are on pace with Johnny Manziel's common sense skills. Below remedial.

If I'm not navigating creative waters, I'm treading the depths of self-doubt, God-doubt, and why-did-I-eat-so-much-ice-cream-doubt.

One prevailing narrative is the questioning of my value. Regardless of what Clarence taught George Bailey, I still find myself sinking into questions about my purpose.

On a micro level I know my kids need me. I believe my wife needs me. Still, it's hard not to consider the life my wife could have had with a more successful husband. A more stable husband. Someone who accepted his role in the blue collar world or maybe white collar world. There's nobility in working hard to bring home a paycheck.

But that's the thing. Man am I working hard. So hard that I'm getting burned out.

"I'm so busy" is a phrase that's thrown out almost as much as "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

More? Yeah, probably more.

I don't expect everyone reading this to believe me when I say I'm working my tail off. After all, what do I have to show for it? I should share my tax returns here to really humiliate myself. By my calculations I've made about $0.27 an hour over the last 10 years. I made that number up. I'm too busy to calculate it for realz.

We're a results oriented society and the results just haven't been there for me. My family has suffered because of this. My ego has suffered because of this (which is technically a good thing, I know). And there are times I lie awake wondering if the worst is still ahead.

But the question prevails.

Why?

Why have I been allowed to work so hard for so long and not see the results I'd expected -- dare I say -- deserved?

I don't know. This silly little blog that I started before blogging was "in" (I think blogging is actually "out" now thanks to SnapChatteragram or whatevs) was supposed to be an inspirational account of one man's journey of overcoming the odds to prove that dreams really can come true.

If you didn't read that last line in your best movie trailer voice, here's another chance...

One man's journey of overcoming the odds to prove that dreams really can come true.

The late, great, Don LaFontaine,
king of movie trailer voiceovers (born in Minnesota!)

I've developed a counter theory to all of this now. I don't know if it's any truer than the former, but it's something I'm gnawing over. In the middle of the night.

What if my story is the anti-dream-following story? Despite Joel Osteen's claims, not everybody gets everything they want if they just believe it to be true. Maybe God needs me as an example that safety is sometimes the best route. Maybe my story is supposed to inspire in a way that contradicts my original intention.

If that's my reality, all I want is for people to say is that in spite of adversity, I am a hard worker. A good father. A worthy husband. A faithful servant.

Of course, that's all I want people to say about me regardless.

But the hard worker part is particularly sensitive to me these days. Really, I'm starting to question if the work I'm doing is useful. All the hours of research, networking, and creating -- are (were) they all worth it?

If I give up my Hollywood dream, I don't care if people assume it was because I wasn't talented enough. What I do care about is if people think it's because I didn't work hard enough for it. They'd be wrong on both accounts, but there's a sense of pride in hard work done well. I feel I've done that. And that's the example I want to give to my kids, my family, my friends, and anyone with whom I interact.

I don't know why God has me on the path He has me on, but I so desperately want to be an inspiration to everyone around me. Yes, I have an everybody-must-like-me complex, but my people-pleasing curse isn't driving my concern of what others say. It's simply that I want to be a positive influence. Not for my sake, but for the sake of the greater good.

But what does it matter what I say? What matters is what others say about me. Am I giving others reason to call me a hard worker? A good father? A worthy husband? A faithful servant? Regardless of whether I make it in Hollywood or not, at this point, all I care about is representing my faith in a pleasing manner to God.

And, really... is Hugh Halter's quote accurate? Does it matter what others say about me? Well, on a macro level, no. What matters is whether I am pleasing God. Where Halter's quote comes into play is that if we are pleasing God, by default, others will say good things about us.

Uphill

"This hill goes on forever!"

Says I when I run in the hills overlooking the Santa Clarita Valley.

"It's a good burn!"

Says I when I near the top.

"What? That's NOT the top?"

Says I when the road winds around a corner and my muscles turn to undercooked cheesecake.

"Stop talking to yourself."

Says I when people give me weird looks.

So I'm here in Los Angeles(ish). Actually a little north. But only a half a podcast away from the places I need to go. Well, the places I hope to need to go.

But as I laid out in my first post nearly seven years ago, my journey was never specific to geography. So while I've technically made it to Hollywood from Minnesota, I am still a long ways away.

But I'm closer than I was seven years ago. Seven months ago. Seven weeks ago. At least I hope I am.

I've still got a lot of big hills to climb, metaphorically and literally. Seriously, running in my neighborhood is brutal. If nothing else, living out here is going to get my quads back into shape.

I can vouch for the views at the top of the hills. They're amazing. Dry. But amazing.

So as I continue to climb uphill, I remind myself that the view from the top is worth it.

Believe!

"I know that sounds like a cat poster, but it's true." -- Vitruvius

The optimist inside of me believes I have an amazing Hollywood career ahead of me. Unfortunately my inner pessimist keeps pinning the optimist down, sitting on his face, and launching lethal butt missiles.

Dare I say that the optimist is finally fighting back? Finally emerging from the pessimist's cheeks? Finally launching a few weapons from his own turret? He's always had his moments, but they were too few and far between to really give the pessimist a run for his money. Or his gas mask.

Now is the time for the optimist to fly like a kitty and heed the words of a master builder. It's time to prove I am special by building myself up and destroying the blocks in my way. Today I will construct a new outlook and Lego of the deconstructive attitudes of the past.

Tomorrow I will stop overusing references from that one movie about those little block-like things.

Can you feel me?

Let's have a little inspirational session. Just you and me and a few people that have accomplished a thing or two in their lives. Hopefully we both feel better after this virtual hug fest of pastel colored unicorns and strawberry flavored hope.

Some say that Francis guy was a sissy, but I think he was a saint. If these words of his don't fill you with at least a hint of fuzzy warmth, don't bother reading any further; you're not my target audience.

No matter where you're at in your career, there are necessary things that have to be done. Some of them can be done today; some can be done tomorrow. But they must be done if you expect to get wherever it is you want to be. Much to the chagrin of many who are starting out in the world of screenwriting or acting or directing, there are no shortcuts.

Are there lottery winners? Sure. But not many. Most overnight success stories are actually years in the making. They begin by doing what's necessary (education, practicing one's craft), then doing what's possible (networking, practicing one's improved craft), and finally achieving the impossible (worldwide stardom, private jets, and fancy macaroni and cheese).

By the way, does it really need to be stated that if you're in this for worldwide stardom you're never going to be satisfied? Okay, good. We're on the same page.

Next quote. By a palm tree. How nice.

Even if sports are to you what common sense is to Justin Bieber, you know the name Lombardi. I'm pretty sure half the streets in Green Bay are named Lombardi Street or Lombardi Way or Lombardi Favre. Oh, and the trophy for winning that bowl that's really super is named after him, too.

Vince Lombardi inherited a team that finished with one victory the season before he took over. Under his tutelage, the Packers won seven games the following year. That was 1959, long before NFL teams changed dramatically from year to year with free agency. In other words, the team that won a single game in 1958 was pretty much the same team that won six more in 1959. Lombardi knew what he had and he got more out of it than anyone expected.

My point? I don't know. Something about Legos I think.

Nah, my point is that we all come from different backgrounds, carry different baggage, have different privileges and shortcomings. Yes, plenty of people get their start in Hollywood because they have an "in" while those of us with zero built-in connections pound on door after door only to be pelted with double-edged razor blades and anthrax balloons.

I exaggerate. The razor blades are single-edged.

Still, rejection hurts. Actually, rejection would be a welcome reprieve from the silence that follows so many attempts to reach those on the other side. We can lament our misfortune of being born into blue-collar flyover families, or we can just work that much harder.

Let's combine the quotes from St. Francis of Assisi and Vince Lombardi:

"Start by doing what's necessary with what we have."

It's so important to have a clear understanding of what we have and what we can do with it. I've spent so many years letting my inner pessimist have his way, sulking in my lack of money, connections, and support (another topic altogether that I'll maybe get into at some point).

I finally had to recognize what I do have -- talent, telephone, Internet, books, magazines, podcasts, support (not from everybody, but that's okay!), family, friends, shelter, food, and water.

And gum. How fat would I be if I didn't have gum?

With libraries and Amazon, we have access to more books than anyone could ever read about acting, directing, writing, producing, editing, and everything else involved in making movies. With iTunes, we have access to dozens of podcasts featuring Hollywood insiders who are already experiencing the success we want to have. With the Internet, we can locate the e-mail address and phone number of every agent and producer from here to Timbuktu. I can't tell you how many letters I've written to Al Gore thanking him for inventing the Internet.

Okay, I can. Zero.

The point is everything is awesome when we're living our dream.

Wait, no it's not. The Lego Movie lied to me! I feel like such a blockhead.

Awesome or not, there are plenty of things we need to do before we can realize our dreams. I will keep reaching out. I will keep writing. I will keep acting. I will keep learning. Over and over and over again.

We can't expect to see tangible progress every day as we pursue our dreams of being a consistently working actor, director, or screenwriter. But at the end of each day, we should rest on our double-decker couches and feel satisfied that we did something to get closer to achieving our dreams. Whether we listen to an educational podcast, read something, reach out to someone, write a few pages, or spend twelve hours on set, we need to take time every single day to further our career.

Not every seed will grow and those that do will do so at different times. But if we are patient and continue to plant them, one day we will reap a harvest more bountiful than anything we could ever have imagined.

Believe!